To just jump right into this.. we are ECSTATIC to announce that we will be adding a sweet baby to our family in November.

This is actually not something I thought I’d ever write down publicly. For several reasons. I never thought I’d be sitting where I am right now again.. and because of the pain we’ve experienced over the last 2 years. Yet after more prayers than I can recall, more tears than I want to remember and more pain than I’ve experienced in my life.. here I sit, thanking God for the long journey that has brought us to our newest blessing.

This is an ongoing post that I began in late March.. and continued until now. Our little family has been blessed beyond measure. To say that we are happy about this is an understatement. It’s been a very long, hard road to get to this point.. 2 years to be exact. I never knew the amount of people who suffered from infertility, fertility issues or miscarriages until we suffered through them.

A little over 2 years ago we decided that it was time to expand our family. We assumed that it would happen quickly, like when we had Briley. But sadly, we were wrong. We did conceive after only 2 months of trying, but unfortunately we lost our sweet baby early on in the pregnancy. I had some issues early on in that pregnancy, but chalked it up for hormones and allowed myself to get excited and start quietly planning. But just a few short weeks after discovering we were expecting, we suffered our first loss.

For anyone who has suffered a miscarriage, you understand the pain. True.. we had a perfect little 2 year old, who we loved more than life itself. The sadness that we felt didn’t mean we were any less grateful for the child we already had or that we loved her any less. We had lost another one just like her. A piece of each of us. Our child. We had lost our child. I’ve never felt heartbreak, as I did then. Those next couple of months were really rough. I don’t think you ever fully “recover” from things like this, but you heal over time. It felt as if it were taking forever to heal. Everyone had their condolences.. and there were the “It will happen in God’s time..”, “It wasn’t in God’s plan just yet..”, “At least you have Briley.” Yes.. all of this is true.. I understand that all of those “sayings” comes from a place of not really knowing what else TO say to someone in this situation, but each time it was said, I felt guilt. I felt guilt that I wasn’t being grateful for Briley.. or that I was greedy. It hurt each time.

We had told some family and only a very few close friends. But this was just a few short days before the open house for the new studio.. and that had to be postponed. At that point clients and more friends were calling to check on me.. and curious if everything was okay since it had to be postponed due to “unexpected medical issues” because of some complications I was having. It actually felt better to talk about it. When people asked, I let them know. The more people who asked, the more people I realized had also suffered miscarriages. People I never knew had been through this. They shared their experience or experiences.. and it helped. It made me seem less alone. To know that all of these people were choosing to share their stories and experiences with me. Their pain. To make me feel less alone and scared. To all of you who did that, I can never thank you enough. So many friends continued to call and check on me that next week. I had had quite a bit of pain physically.. and emotionally, I was lost.

I felt like my heart had been ripped straight from my chest and shattered on the ground right in front of me. But life goes on and you have to pick up the pieces and pull yourself together. We began trying again right away. Each month’s “negative” felt more painful than the last. When you are suffering from infertility, it truly feels like everyone around you is pregnant. I even remember someone mentioning once (who had no idea what we were going through) “Doesn’t it seem like EVERYONE is pregnant right now?” It cut like a knife. There are so many things that I never gave a second thought about asking. “Small talk” comments that you never think about.. “So when are you guys gonna have kids?” “Do you plan to have more?” “Doesn’t so & so need a little brother or sister?” Things that I never say anymore.. because even though they seem innocent, and they are.. they burn. That person with no children, only one child, etc.. may NOT be that way by choice.

Each month that I got another negative, I felt broken all over again. Things that “normal” women should be able to do, I was incapable of. I was scared that something really was wrong with me. We prayed and we prayed and we prayed.. but in my heart, I wasn’t giving up the control.. I was holding tight to it.. as much as I could. I was also holding tight to my anger and my bitterness.

My “due date” came and it was hard. Then a whole year passed since we lost the baby.. it felt like an eternity. I kept reminding myself of my clients who I knew had tried for 3, 4… even 6 years or more to have their first child. I reminded myself so that I wouldn’t feel “entitled” or as though I was THE most unlucky person in the world. So many people had experienced so much worse than me. I know that. I’ve known people who’ve lost grown children. To this day, I know that those people have more strength than I could ever imagine. But our pain was still there.. if only to remind us that we have to move on and not let it break us.

Just a couple of months after the 1 year mark of the loss, I unexpectedly got a positive test. I remember my jaw dropping.. and staring at myself in the mirror for a minute trying to let it all soak in. I was in shock. B was at work.. I was home with Briley. I called and told my friend Mandy.. I wanted to wait until B got home to tell him in person. We had waited so long for this. I couldn’t tell him over the phone. When I did get to tell him that evening, he was thrilled.. so was I. We felt like it had finally come full circle and it was finally happening. Unfortunately just a few DAYS later, we suffered our second loss. It was happening all over again. 18 months of trying.. and we were back at step 1. It was like a horrible, never ending nightmare. It was painful all over again. This time we hadn’t even had a chance to tell all of our parents. I told my parents the night before it happened.. but early that next morning my heart sank all over again. We went on to church that next morning but halfway through, I broke down. I felt like I had a dirty secret. Hardly anyone knew, so I continued to hide it. it’s awfully hard to put on a happy face and go about your normal day when inside, your heart is breaking.. again. I had been praying all of these months.. not that God would give us a child, but that he would bless us with one IF it were His will and if it weren’t His will that we have another child, that He would fill what felt like a hole, in my heart.

I am an only child. My mom explained to me after our first loss that they never had another baby because they never really thought about it. They never felt like anything was missing. There was never a “hole.” She said she remembers hearing friends talk about wanting to have another.. and that they felt that they were missing something- that their family wasn’t quite “complete.” I knew that feeling. When Briley turned 1, I was so sad. My baby was growing up and I missed the baby stage. It was ending. Everyone would say.. “that means you want another!” and I’d said. “Oh no it doesn’t! I just wish I could rewind her first year a few more times.” Once she turned 2.. I started feeling it. I felt that there was a place in my heart opening up for another child. Like we were meant to add another child to our little family. So after suffering these 2 losses and all of the heartache that went along with it.. I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t just take that emptiness away.. and I could feel like my family WAS complete.. and I could be happy and put having another baby out of my mind.

After years of different health issues completely unrelated to the miscarriages, with no answers, I was finally diagnosed with a hormone disorder. I went through more sets of blood work and checkups that I can remember. An MRI, etc. No answers. Until now. Everything made sense now. For months we tired different options.. to no avail. I was starting to lose hope for the last time. I was running out of options and time.. but I continued to pray that God would point us in the right direction. Then it happened. One morning I took a test, bracing myself again for another negative.. but this time, in it’s place was the most beautiful 2 pink lines I’ve ever seen. I then ran out and bought the digital tests, just so I could see the word.. “pregnant.”

I called my Dr. right away, (as instructed) and he started me on hormones to help sustain the pregnancy. We had some scares along the way.. and it was a VERY long couple of months.. but it all brought us to this moment.. as I sit here and type, blessed and 12.5 weeks pregnant. We’ve kept it to ourselves all this time.. fearing the chance that this might just be another heartbreak. But with each visit, that tiny heartbeat is just a reminder of the miracle God blessed us with.

As I said, I debated on whether or not I would share all of this. But again, each person who came forward and shared their story with me helped me more than they will ever know.. and I will forever be grateful. I know there are so many more who suffer in silence after experiencing miscarriages or fertility problems.. and I pray that for any of those who read this, I can give you a bit of the same comfort that those women gave to me.

Briley woke up with a fever this morning at 6am. She went back to sleep and ended up sleeping until 11am.. so we decided to miss church and let her sleep and get some rest. We told her the news when she woke up. She’s decided that it IS going to be a girl.. and that we are naming it Elsa.. or Anna. Of course.

We told our families this morning.. so now we can officially share. This has been a wonderful Mother’s Day and we are so incredibly excited about our newest blessing and that we can now share the news with everyone.